


Educating Draco

by 42069, cloudeater (anxiousgoat), Crackfic_Crookshanks (Hang_In_There_Baby_Crookshanks), crackshoespotterr (moonshoespotterr), the_laibararian, tschulie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Multi, Podcast: Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26062177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/42069/pseuds/42069, https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/cloudeater, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hang_In_There_Baby_Crookshanks/pseuds/Crackfic_Crookshanks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonshoespotterr/pseuds/crackshoespotterr, https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_laibararian/pseuds/the_laibararian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tschulie/pseuds/tschulie
Summary: Draco has a few friends remind him how to say 'my fatherrrrr'
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Ron Weasley
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4
Collections: Fanatical Fam's Crackfic Chaos





	Educating Draco

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Crackfic written by the Fanatical Fam over on the discord for the Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them podcast!  
> These fics have been created using our favourite bot - Chocolate Frogs - during a game we like to call Crackfic Chaos.

"My Faaaather will hear about this" 

"My faaath-" 

"My faather" 

No no no , this wasn't right. Draco needed to practice how long to say father and he needed to do it FAST. He knew that the Slytherins were going to sabotage the quidditch game and he needed to be prepared. 

"Myyyyyy..." 

No. 

"MyyyyYYY?" 

Goddammit. Draco was starting to get panicky. Suddenly another voice rang out behind him. 

"Myyyyy faaaatherrrrrr!" 

Draco swung round. "Who are you? How did you do that?" 

"I'm Kim!" said the person. "Now come on, you need to get this right or the Slytherins will never be able to sabotage the quidditch game. Repeat after me: Myyyy faaaatherrrrrrr!" 

Draco took a deep breath. "Myyyyy faa-" The words caught in his throat. "Myyyyy faaath-" He doubled over coughing. How on earth would he ever be able to become a world famous quidditch commentator if he couldn't get his words out?! 

"Come on, you can do it, Draco!" screamed Kim, pumping their hands into the air in what seemed to be encouraging. But Draco started to sob, he was not able to bring the words over his lips, he was really the loser his Dad always told him that he was. 

Kim took over commentating the Quidditch match as Draco was unable to do so. That Potter brat must have cursed his throat, for sure!

Draco ran from the Quidditch stands back into the castle. Ron from the Gryffindor side of the bleachers, Ron saw and quickly followed. He ran after draco and went up to him. He wanted to comfort him. He pushed Draco against a wall and wiped the tears from his eyes. Draco shuddered and Ron kissed him. They exchanged 50ml of saliva.

'Disgusting Weasley,' Draco drawled, wiping his hand across his mouth. 'At least I know you taste delicious. Did you have bacon for breakfast?' They continued to snog under the Quidditch stands until they heard a voice calling out their names and they sprang apart. 

"Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Weasley! You are not allowed to snog under the quidditch stands, especially during the middle of a quidditch game you are both participating in!" While Ron blushed at McGonnagal's words, Draco simply yelled out "Myyyyyy Faaaather will hear about this" and stormed off. He smirked, finally getting the saying right.

As Draco stormed off, Ron stared sheepishly at the floor as his face slowly turned the colour of his hair. 

"Well, Mr Weasley. I would never have expected such behaviour from a Gryffindor. Come to office right away so that I may... punish you in a manner I see fit," she ordered. Ron's eyebrows shot up. Was she saying what he thought she was saying. Butterflies churned in his stomach as he followed the professor back to the castle.

But before they reached the office, someone interrupted them. 

"Hey!" said this new person, whom Ron had never encountered before. 

"Ron, you're talking all wrong." Their voice deepened and became oddly... bro-ish? "Hey, I'm Ron," they said. "Come on, repeat it after me." 

"Hey, I'm Ron," said Ron. "Wow, this voice is great! It's so ME! Who are you?" 

"I'm Kim!" said the person, brightly. Behind them the professor cleared her throat impatiently. Ron ignored the Professor, looking straight into the new girl's eyes. She was wearing Hufflepuff robes and had Japanese swords strapped to her back. 

'Er, Kim have you always been at Hogwarts?' Ron asked hesitantly in his deeper voice, not wanting to offend her. 

'No, I just arrived here today in my box!' Kim pointed to a box behind her. 'I've got so many things in here! Look!' Kim pulled a lot of weird shit out of her box—a tutu, a diadem, a wild sequoia, and a kitchen sink. 

Draco stated at the new girl in disbelief. Who the hell was she? But from the corner of his eye, he saw Ron. Whatever. He thought, and walked back over to Ron. They had another 19mL of saliva to exchange before they got to the magic number Draco kept count very close and pulled his mouth away at the exact moment when Dron had exchanged 69 millilitres of salvia. 

"Now we should try out the real 69" Malfoy suggested, eyebrows wiggling just the way Ricardo had taught him. Unfortunately, the eyebrow wiggling summoned Ricardo to their location. 

"Myyy faath-" Draco began, but was cut off as Ron slammed his lips onto Draco's face while simultaneously pulling Ricardo closer by his seductively opened shirt. Ricardo wiggled his brows... in arousal.

After quite a long time, Ron and Draco pulled apart. Both were flushed. 

"Wow," breathed Ron. "I've never touched tongues with anyone like THAT before." 

"Oh well," said Draco. "Myyyy faaaaatherrr!" 

"Hey, you're doing it wrong again!" called Kim. 

"Yeah, sod your father," said Ricardo. 

"Let's do some more tongue touching!" 

So Draco, Ricardo, Kim, Sequoia from the box, and Ron intertwined their tongues once again. 

Unfortunately, they accidentally did so in the shape of a pentagram. 

“WHO DARES SUMMON THE DARK LORD??” Screamed Voldemort. Upon seeing the five tongues intertwined like serpents, he was faced with a decision. Should he join them, kill them, or disappearate? 

'Er' Sequoia from the box began awkwardly. 'We were just doing a tongue touching ritual and we though you'd like to join?' 

Draco, Ricardo and Ron nodded awkwardly behind her. 

Meanwhile Kim stepped in front of Sequoia and yelled 'I will be master of death!!!' 

Summoning the elder wand, a stone and an invisibility cloak from Voldemort. "Now I can finally be the Queen of the Podcasts," she cackled gleefully. 

Sequoia, Ron and Ricardo exchanged worried glances. It seemed like the power of the deathly hallows had gone to Kim's head. They needed to do something about it. Unsheathing their wands and spreading out to surround Kim, they had her cornered. 

Kim backed up against the wall, hands behind her back, then she screamed out "Oh my god here's the portal gun, it has been in my back pocket the whole time" She pulled the trigger, hopped through the portal that appeared in front of her and safely landed back in the spare bedroom studio in a safe distance from all the crackfic chaos.


End file.
